Found another one. On a fucking roll here, gang.
Outside the world was white and frosty with the northern wind blowing the cold snap this way and that depending on its mood. But in a small bungalow way out in the middle of nowhere, recently wed Ted and Alice were enjoying their first Christmas morning together opening their presents..
Ted opened his last present to discover a box full of multi-coloured golf balls – just what he’d always wanted. He lent over and kissed his new wife who was sitting beside him on the rug in front of a roaring log fire. “Thank you darling,” he smiled. “It’s just what I’ve always wanted – pink and green golf balls.”
Alice, pleased that he seemed pleased with her Christmas gift, sat back grinning. “I thought you’d like them. No more losing them in the rough. You can spot that pink one from miles away!”
Ted merely smiled. A four iron into the nearest water hazard should do the trick he mused. All around them lay the remnants of unwrapped presents. They’d opened them all – well, apart from one which he had kept hidden until last. “Hold on, I’ll be right back.” he told her as he jumped up and went into the kitchen where he came back moments later holding something behind his back. “Surprise.” he laughed, producing a rather intriguingly wrapped gift to her.
Alice excitedly clapped her hands. “OH, WHAT IS IT?” she giggled with girlish enthusiasm before ripping the brightly coloured paper and ribbons off. “OH TED!!” she gasped when she saw what it was. She was so astonished she could hardly speak for a moment as she stood there looking at it. “It’s..it’s…” she stuttered staring at his gift to her. “It’s a paddle!!”
Indeed it was. Ted sat on the sofa smiling knowingly as his young wife of twenty three stood in front of him with her mouth wide open in surprise and shock. “I’m glad you like it honey, now if you go into…”
But before he could finish she had grabbed his hand and dragged him over to the fireside chair where she handed him the paddle. “OH GOD!” she said excitedly as she faced away from him then reached down and grabbed the hem of her nightie which she pulled and tugged up over her wide womanly hips leaving her mildly bemused hubbie staring at her perfectly pear shaped bottom.
Alice looked at him over her shoulder, reaching up to pull away her shoulder length red hair. “You darling, darling man you. How did you know I’ve always wanted one of those ever since I can remember!”
Ted looked at the paddle he was holding. “Really?” he replied confused.
Alice gave her full bum a wiggle of impatience. “YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH.” she gasped. “Now hurry up and give me a round bakers dozen before I go mad with anticipation. Please, please PLEASE!!”
Ted looked from the long wooden implement to his wife’s swaying rear.
This was definitely a Christmas to remember for both of them as Ted stood breathing heavily from the experience of walloping his wife’s now purplish and mottled rear and watching as she danced around the room clutching it. He was at quite the loss for words.
Alice, overjoyed but sore, did a circuit around the rosy glowing living room before she hugged him and gave him a big sloppy Christmas kiss. “Oh darling, that was absolutely wonderful. I can see myself wanting much, much more of that sort of thing from you from now on. You heavenly beast you, I love all the presents you’ve got me but especially THAT Paddle!!”
Ted stood looking down at her as he held her in his arms. “I think you’d better go into the kitchen sweetheart.”
Alice gave him a look. “The kitchen?”
Alice opened the kitchen door and switched on the light.
She stood staring with an open mouth and gasped out loud.
There on the kitchen table lay a full sized canoe.
Merry Christmas from Spankorama 2004.